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tv   Piers Morgan Tonight  CNN  November 17, 2011 9:00pm-10:00pm EST

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>> on everybody's part. pretty dumb everybody's part. or not. the police did go to the guy's house and ended up arresting him on misdemeanor charges. he's due in court tomorrow. let's hope his car starts or he might call the fbi a bunch of times. that is, if he ever got his iphone working. that is it for us. thanks for watching. "piers morgan" starts now. tonight the return of two of the most outspoken, controversial guests i'ven had. first, jesse ventura. >> now answer my question. >> all right. but i've answered all of them. you haven't answered one yet. >> i'm interviewing you, jesse. that's the way it works. >> not with me. >> that's the way it working with me. >> why he's fired up about occupy wall street, and he says he'll never stand up for the national anthem again. then the first lady of late night is back. the delightful chelsea handler. >> why don't you shut up?
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just shut up. >> what she thinks of demi moore, ashton kutcher breakup and why she's called the anti-oprah. this is a live, uncensored, "piers morgan tonight." good evening. breaking news tonight. thousands of occupy wall street protesters marching across new york city's brooklyn bridge. some of the marchers shouting this is what democracy looks like. this is what america looks like. the march comes at the end of the day with clashes with police, mass arrests and traffic jam es in lower manhattan. well over 300 people have been arrested and some of the demonstrations are going on across the country and indeed around the world. i want to go straight live to lower manhattan. amber, probably not as big a day as we were anticipating.
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what would you describe the mood tonight? >> reporter: well tonight, piers, things have really come down. the marches have come full circle. they started off early morning in zuccotti park. now they made their way back here after hitting up some subway stop ls. there was a bit of tension. and a lot of it happening right out here in zuccotti park. we've been following the movement all akros the counted, and the protesters do not like to have barricades up in a lot of situations. especially out here because they were evicted from the park on tuesday, and the barricades are up the to prevent them from bringing tents and tarps into this area. now nearly 300 protesters were arrested. we also have the nypd telling us that seven police officers were injured. five of them after some type of unknown liquid was thrown on them. they were then taken to the hospital and the nypd says that they are doing okay as of now. and several protesters were also injured, it appears.
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>> amber, thank you very much. now let's turn to a man who will have a lot to say about what's happening at wall street. jesse ventura is a former governor of minnesota and the author of "63 documents the government doesn't want you to read" and "american conspiracies" and he joins me now. jesse, how are you? >> hi, piers. how are you doing tonight? >> good. i would imagine although there are a lot of angry people at wall street, i would imagine you are even more angry. you normally are. >> well, i'm not angry. i'm just disappointed. i'm very disappoint that had many of the attitudes out there. because these are simply people exercising their first amendment rights, and they state no law shall be passed to inhibit the rights. it seems they give local precedence to local ordnances that seem to have more power than the first amendment does, the right to gather and the right to protest your government in a peaceful manner. >> they were chanting this is what democracy looks like.
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this is what america looks like. there's a clear divide going on now between the kind of people turning up to protest, i think on behalf of a lot of people in america, just fed up with what is going on with the economy in particular, and the people who work in wall street and maybe the government. this is a huge disconnect between the two. >> well, yeah. i think the original message was to send one that wall street owns the politicians. it doesn't matter if you're democrat or republican. the allegiance is to wall street, the corporations and big business. these are the people rising up to say wait a minute, we're the people of america, and you should be working for us, not for cooperations. as you know the loose definition of fascism is when corporations take over governments. i think here in the united states we're on the brink of that if we're not already there now. >> well, you've been a patriot for a long time, jesse. i've had a spirited debate with you before about this.
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you've also been a senior politician. what has gone fundamentally wrong with america to cause what is going on now at wall street and other cities? >> well the fact the democrats and republicans, and both of them are are equally guilty. they're responsible. they've been in charge for over 100 years, piers. they've created a system based upon bribery. he who has the most money and pays them off with campaign donations and dirty elections. i can say this. i didn't take one dollar of corporate money. i didn't take one dollar of political action or pact money, and in fact, i actually made more money doing the job as governor han what i spent to get it. so there's nobody, i don't think in 50 years that can make that statement. i think that's what this is really all about. the buying and selling and the creation of a system by the democrats and republicans that is based completely on the concept of bribery.
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>> i've seen interviews with some of the protester taig. they're keen to say this is not anti-capitalism. it's anti-abuse of capitalism. >> they're not opposed to capitalism. they're not trying to make us communist or socialist. they're just saying stop it, wall street. stop buying the allegiance of our politicians, and hopefully the demonstrations will wake people up. now, piers, i have another problem. as you know, i have a court case where i sued the tsa for my fourth amendment rights. and one thing i want to make clear tonight that people need to know. my case was thrown out of court. you can't go to court. if you go to any airport in america, you are not protected by the constitution, and nor are you protected by the bill of rights because it does not apply there, and it's going to spread further than airports. you're going to see it in bus terminals.
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transportation even down to the highways now. it's starting in tennessee hchl they're turning our counted into east berlin. >> what you're talking about is more a washington issue than wall street. and that brings me to the state of politics in america right now with the republican race. what is your take of the various contenders? it's been going up and down like a yo-yo, the leader board. twho do you like? who don't you like? >> there's only one person that i like at all and that's ron paul. he's the only one that i agree with. and we need to audit the federal reserve, that we need to shut down these wars and bring our young men and women home immediately. shut down all these bases throughout the world. and let's start concentrating on jobs at home and jobs creation here. can you imagine the money we could put forward to our infrastructure if we weren't involved in these two stupid wars that we've been in for ten years? >> ron paul is unlikely the way
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the polls are looking to win. mitt romney is the favored candidate at the moment. and if not him, then herman cain or newt gingrich or someone like that. what do you think of the rest of the field? >> well, newt gingrich, it's interesting. he got part of the payoff of freddie mac and fannie mae, huh? i heard they paid him millions of dollars as a consultant. what would he need to consult about? he got part of the bailout money, and we're going to make him president? and all the rest of the cast of characters i could care less about them. i woebn't vote for a democrat oa republican, and i urge people. that's the solution. the solution is to stop voting for these two political parties. they're both equally as bad. they've both sold out completely to wall street, and until we -- that's difficult. it's like climbing mt. everest, trying to get them to not do what they're programmed to do in
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this country. >> what would you think of obama's performance as president? the reason i ask you, is i want to play you a clip before i get your answer. because we had a very interesting debate last time about what would happen if the cia or any officials track down bin laden or gadhafi. let me play you a discussion over this. >> would you agree if the cia discovered that they knew where osama bin laden was that he should be assassinated? >> no. >> what about gadhafi? >> no. >> you don't care? >> no. i think they should be arrested and tried in the court of law. what are we in the wild west? we just go out, and if people we don't like, we kill them? everyone is willing to be killed? >> jesse, with respect, isn't that what navy s.e.a.l.s do all the time? >> no, it's war. that's different. >> we're at war with osama bin laden. >> we are? >> i mean, very pressed discussion there. but ever since that interview a
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few months ago both bin laden and gadhafi were guilty and bin laden's case by navy s.e.a.l.s, people you used to work alongside. what was your reaction? >> wait, i didn't work alongside them. i'm one of them. they're my brothers. i'm part of the teams. clash 58. no. and i have all the respect in the world for my guys. they'll get the job done. there's no doubt about it. the job is custom made for s.e.a.l. team 6. they're mi lhighly motivated. they're well trained. they'll complete the mission when given the opportunity to do so. what i question is this, were we told the truth? they lied about the murder of pat tillman. they lied about the rescue of jessica lynch. they lied about weapons of mass destruction in iraq. they lied about ties to al qaeda with saddam hussein. none of those were true things.
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so it becomes -- credibility by country. >> how do you -- >> they're not telling truth. >> let me ask you a direct question. do you believe bin laden is dead? >> yeah. i think he's -- he may have been dead for ten years for all we know. i mean, he had a disease where most doctors said it was fatal within a couple of years. how did this guy manage to live eight. he was needing dialysis treatment when 9/11 happened, and yet they tell us he survive that had long? i don't know. i'm not privy to the intel. i'm not currently in the military and haven't been for 40 years. let me commend the navy s.e.a.l.s. they will get the job done. they are the best we have. >> i'm all for conspiracy theorys, but obviously the navy s.e.a.l.s themselves said they found bin laden alive and killed them. >> how do you know that -- wait,
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how do you know that? none of us know the guys that are on this mission. none of us will. who is to say that helicopter that killed those 18 guys from team six didn't have haul the guys on it that got bin laden? how do we know? we will never know. because that's how secretive team six is. piers, you'll never know who the operators were that went on the the missions. that's how secretive it is. >> what was your view of gadhafi being taken out in public in the way in which snefs. >> what troubled me about it was our media here. that we had no problem showing gadhafi's bullet ridden body 24 hours a day, seven days a week. and yet we're banned from seeing our kas ketds come home draped in the flag from these two wars we're fighting. it's a classic case of propaganda. show the enny riddled in shot as much as you possiblily can.
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don't the casualties of your own country as a result of war which disturbs me, piers. i'm 60 years old now. the united states of america has been at war for over half of my life. we're the only country maybe other than israel that can make that statement. >> jesse, finally, who are you going to vote for in the next election? have you decided yet? >> well, i will vote absolutely for ron paul if he runs as an independent. you know, even though he's doing phenomen well in iowa in the polls, even if he doesn't get the nominations and switch fos the libertarian party or any other party, ron paul will absolutely get my vote. but i will not vote for a republican or a democrat, and i urge people, start that movement. because these are the two parties that have ruined our country, they've been in charge for hundreds of years, and they have no excuse for it. they are responsible.
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>> jesse ventura, as always, delightfully provocative. >> i look forward it to. thank you again. coming up, the return of another of my favorite guest. the lady like, demure, soft spoken, chelsea handler oh, no. i'm already nervous. unless we eat later, then pill later? if i get a snack now, pill now? skip the snack, pill later... late dinner, pill now? aghh i've got heartburn in my head. [ male announcer ] stop the madness of treating frequent heartburn. it's simple with prilosec otc. one pill a day. twenty-four hours. zero heartburn. no heartburn in the first place. great.
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tonight chelsea handler, can you stop that please? don't start? >> you can't control yourself. >> forget -- i was going to say something nice about you. forget it. >> no, no. say it. i want to hear it. >> here's what i want to say about you. since we last spoke, two things have happened. you've been single again, and you're now worth $24 million more than you were last time i saw you. both things have made you much more attractive to me. >> oh, that's so interesting. you must be you ijewish. >> i'm an irish catholic. we blaif as badly as you do, we just feel guilty for it. >> i do behave badly, and i get
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paid handsomely for it. >> you refused to discuss your enormous bulging wealth last time? >> well, do you want to discuss your enormous bulge? would you feel comfortable discussing that? >> well, let's talk about your wealth first. we'll get to my enormous bulge later. is this deal true? two years you've renewed with e! $24 million? >> well, it's actually $25 million. but yes. the -- well, maybe a little bit close, yeah, yes. sure. >> so you're the queen of television, aren't you? >> i'm not the queen of television. i'm not -- i'm black. no, i'm white. no, i'm not oprah. i'm chelsea. so i'm happy to do it, though. i'm having a really, really good time in my career. so i'm just really excited about everything. it's a really good time to be me. >> and you've parted company with andre, your boyfriend of
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some time, this year? >> i did. >> why? >> i can't speak about that publicly out of a personal request. >> privacy has never been your strong point. >> i know. it's natural for me. >> i made a promise to someone, so i like to be a man of my word. and so i am going to keep that promise. >> but it was your decision? >> i don't remember. >> you can't remember whose decision it was? >> it was almost three weeks ago. it's very hard to recall. >> are you enjoying being single again? >> i'm happy to -- i'm just happy. i'm in a happy time in my life. >> are you on the prowl? >> am i on the prowl? are you on the prowl? >> no. not at all. >> you're expecting a child. if you think you're the father it's very personal. i'm not the prowl. no. i've never been on the prowl. i do like men, though.
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i like to be challenge. i like men that have something going on. i like men that are successful, that aren't very dependent on you. i like for them to bring to bring something to the table that you haven't brought to the table yourself. and i like them in small doses. >> well, i'm just mentally ticking off a lot of boxes here. >> not my box. >> what do you think of the demi-ashton split? >> i just heard. >> she's filing for divorce. she made it clear in her statement that she does it with a heavy heart but has to be true to her values and vows clearly making her decision on ashton's apparent bad behavior. >> i think it's pretty obvious to everybody. again, i don't know them personally very well. but i think it's pretty obvious that she's probably -- they probably had a lot of open marriage type situations, which always lead to -- >> you think so? >> yeah, i think they probably
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had a lot of good times with some other women. >> really? >> of course. come on. read between the lines. >> what lines? >> the lines of cocaine on the table. i'm just kidding. i don't know what kind of drugs they've ever participated in. clearly they had a lot of threesomes that led to twosomes without demi and that leads to divorce. >> is this true? >> yes. >> i had them both on this show. >> together? >> yeah, some little tip of what they said about the marriage. i feel very sad about what's happened. i like them both. let's watch this. >> i think you have to make your relationship a priority. and that's a difficult balance when you have work and, you know t come by fact of career and family. think part of it is, i think we spend very little time apart. that's one of the key things. >> i'd also say working on the relationship when the relationship is good. as marriage goes, i think most
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people sort of set getting more married as the goal as opposed to being married. >> well, that was only about five or six months ago. >> was it? >> they seemed -- to me, they seemed very much in love at the time. you kind of feel for demi. >> i absolutely feel for her. i feel like people make a big mistake a lot of times in marriage in thinking -- i'm a big, which may surprise you, i'm a big proponent of kind of valor and honor, you know, valuing what you have in a relationship or with somebody else and kind of being really true to that and yourself. >> do you tolerate infidelity yourself? >> no, i would not tolerate that. i'm not that kind of person. i'm not interested in that. i'm interested in something that's own original. and that's so typical. that's not exciting to me. strength is exciting to me. somebody who can kind of be powerful and overcome little
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weaknesses. i think that's -- >> i saw one of your exes, 50 cent the other i day. >> how is he doing? >> every time you mention your name his face lights up. >> how can you tell? >> he seems fond of you. >> all my exs are very fond of me. they should get together and start a club. >> you've managed to avoid the perils of marriage. >> yes, i have. and i'm grateful for it. those people were clearly in love. you see anybody who goes through divorce. it's very hard to make a marriage work, and to put the other components that to me represent minute and trivial nonsense and life can be so much more than that, you know. you have a family. it can be so much more -- it can be so much more profound than that. and to kind of have this idea of life and kind of live beyond, to create an environment where you work in, where everybody feels
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like they're family. and you spend time with them. you have real relationship ls. i wouldn't ever tolerate those people being treated like that. so i could never tolerate myself being treated like that. >> do you dream of walking down a church aisle in a white dress? >> what do you think? >> probably not. >> walking down an aisle in a white dress, no, i don't dream wistfully of that. i've considered marriage at different times my life. >> what was the closest you came? >> i've never come koes to marriage. no one has ever proposed to me. >> not someone i was dating. via mail perhaps. >> that is a bombshell. >> i want to come back and talk to you politics. you kind of fancy yourself on politic ls. >> no, you fancy me. you want to me to be everything you wish you could be. >> i do fancy you. let's keep it to politics. this new at&t 4g lte is fast.
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back with the lovely and talented chelseahand ler who is, as i speak, tweeting to her 4 million followers because simon cowell just joined twitter. you are probably fending off his assault on my followers. >> i don't know how to do it. >> we want to engage you.
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@piersmorgan. one guy tweeted me, stop flirting with chelsea handler, you ain't going to get any. >> the chances are you probably will. why are you having a twitter war with simon cowell? what happened? >> we are just very competitive over everything. >> oh, because all of all your reality world? you should steer away from the reality stuff. you need to focus on this show. >> exactly why i left. >> my instincts are usually right. you should get away from the nonsense. simon cowell is not a serious person. you have the potential to be a serious person. >> chelsea, i like this. >> yeah. >> now you're getting more and more attractive. >> thank you. >> let's turn to less attractive people, politicians. >> okay. >> what is your view of the political climate in america right now? >> the political landscape? >> yes. >> well, where shall we start? >> let's start with republicans. >> let's start with herman cain. >> yes. what do we make of herman cain. he's engaging, isn't he? >> well i think the whole point
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now in politics is to get yourself out there. not necessarily to try to win an actual election but to get famous enough to get your own realty show based out of alaska. >> i think that's what he's up to. >> i firmly believe people like herman cain and michele bachmann, ron paul, probably not. but they all take it upon themselveses to say this is how you can get some fame. this is how you can get some attention, and then get a reality show on whatever network. now that i realized that's what it's about, i take less offense people so unknowledgeable on affairs. >> yesterday he came out and said i shouldn't have to be expected to know anything about foreign policy. this is the guy that wants to be president of the united states. >> did you see the video when he was asked about libya and obama. >> he didn't know what libya was. >> he didn't know libya was a country. he thought it was like a town in california. he didn't understand what was happening. i mean, it's astounding because i feel like i am so -- i'm
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constantly trying to educate myself and read and get to know what's going on. i still feel so not knowledgeable or unknowledgeable, is what i should stay, stupid is what i should say, and based on what i'm seeing from all these candidates, i could actually be running for president. >> rick perry is an interesting case. when he came on the the scene everyone is like great, here comes rick perry. and then these debates just are excrucia excruciating, aren't they? he always forget what is he wants to say. >> you have to be able to shoot from the hip. you have to be full of piss and vinegar enough to be in a debating situation. even if i don't know an answer to a question that you're asking me, i should pretend like i do. >> you're sitting around going i can't remember what i was going to say. >> i would never say that. i would lie or cheat or steal. i would make anything up. >> why don't you go into politics? >> well, let me tell you why. because i was sitting backstage
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and i was watching you. well, i was watching cnn, only because i was stuck in this building, and i was watching it, and i was thinking, gosh, this is so depressing. i mean, every story, whether it's sandusky or it's the occupy wall street. the repetition is kind of taking the juice out of you. you know, at least you get to mix in politics with kind of celebrity and all that stuff. so it's a nice mix. but the repetition of talking about boys being molested and -- i mean, it's really, i wouldn't have the energy or the capability to be able to deal with it. >> if i was an average american, obviously i'm british. >> are you british? >> i am. >> are you circumcised? >> i beg your pardon? >> no you don't. you heard what i said. that's no. >> what i find disspiriting is every pillar of american society is under attack at the same time. the institution of washington, of wall street, of sport with
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the whole penn state thing, it's really cut to all the fabric of american society. hasn't it? everything is under attack. >> look at the nba. there's two sides to everything. i think we're in a really, you know, it's kind of an -- it's an embarrassing time. it's a tipping point because it can either turn the tide for things to come or we can fall apart. a lot of times it feels like we're about to fall apart. >> i might just be naive about this. it's not a sport that i've followed for a long time. but i love american basketball. i can't believe what i'm watching. the in an economic meltdown with nearly 10% of americans out of work. one of the few things they might actually be able to enjoy to get away from all this is basketball. these guys, many who have come from nothing are quivering over whether they're going to make $20 million or $21 million next
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year. i find it unbelievably selfish. >> well, what i have to say that is, an i have no room to speak because everyone knows how much money i make, but, to speak to that, you're doing the thing you love the most. you're not an accountant. you're not working at that dairy queen. you get to do the very thing that every boy's dream or 90% of straight men's dreams are is to play in the n brk a or major league baseball or, you know, whatever it is. and to make the kind of money that you make is absurd to not be happy with a lesser amount. >> they seem to have forgotten it's not their sport. it's america's sport. it's the american people sport. it's not their sport to stop playing, to go on strike. i don't know who they think they are. it's like wakey-wakey. your country is creeking on its
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financial needs. >> now it's my country. >> i'm not american. >> but you're coming here with your tv show. now you're blaming my whole country on me. >> i love your country. i love the american people. i don't like the politicians. i don't like the sportsmen behaving the way they are. everyone in any position of authority in these institutions american people love are just behaving really selfishly. politics are complete lly prof k proflikcate. he has dreams and big ideas. he's so -- about how he's going to change the world. he had no idea that everything is bought. everything is paid for. there's lobbyists. there's congressman. you have to palliate all these people. and that in itself is the most challenging thing. i mean, how can you get into politics for any real reason
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anymore? sempb paid for. everyone is doing somebody a favor. it is embarrassing. it is embarrassing the way people comport themselves. you look at american sports and they buy baseball players for japan. they buy basketball player frls italy. it's like, well, how about america? that's not an american sport if you're buying players from other countries. >> it's not anti capitalism. it's anti-the abuse of capitalism. it's people being overtly greedy at a time when a lot of people are suffering. >> i would like to go on the record. i don't know what kind of salary you make. i assume it's not great. i would like to go on the record and say that i am more than happy to pay as much in taxes as possible. >> hold that thought. i want to come back and talk to you. you've decided to support warren buffett. you and your rich celebrity friends to pay more tax. >> i'm happy to pay more. >> god bless you. let's discuss this after the break. ♪
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i can't have him with the baby coming. he's mean. >> i'm kind of surprised you didn't eat him, fatty. >> oh. a fat joke to a pregnant lady.
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how original. you've gotten so much funnier since your dui. >> when is that baby coming out? hello? hello in there? it's aunt chelsea. >> don't do that. that makes me have to pee. i can't use your toilet because my baby will get cla mhlamydia. this is based on your outrageous book. the twitter feed is going bizerk. >> i get red when i get heated people. >> you're flushing. >> no, it's blushing on this side of the pond. >> it's all the same thing. >> not quite. flushing has to do with a toiltd. blushing has to do with when you're embarrassed. >> is that true? >> yes. but if a woman flushes or blushes she's excited by the person she's with. >> sometimes because it's very hot in here. if i start to get it will get
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red. don't take it the wrong way. don't get an erection or anything. >> you just did this in the break. you tweeted i'm on piers morgan live. >> you told me to. >> it's got people going. even roseanne barr typed up. >> i love roseann. >> she's a great comedian. >> yeah, she is. who is the most naturally brilliant comedian? male, female, in the world right now? >> oh, well right now? i don't know. when i was growing up it was bill cosby, for me. i just loved him i just thought he was so funny. i got to meet him a couple of years ago. it was pretty disappointing. it's always good not to people the people you admire. he was just much older. >> i would set my bar much lower like you. then when i meet you and i'm fliled it goes well. >> it's better to do that.
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>> you want to pay more tax? >> yes. >> warren buffett wants to pay more taxes. you've been campaigning, writing, e-mailing, tweeting celebritying saying pay for tax. >> i haven't been campaigning as hard as i should be. i've been quite busy. i have gone on the record to say i am very willing to pay as much tax as possible. i think the rich should pay more taxes than the poor or the less fortunate. what 5% is to a million dollars versus 5% is $100 million is a completely different thing. i'm happy to do it. oh, i'm getting a phone call. that's my agent. it's probably another job. >> your accountant. >> shut up. shut up. i'm on twitter watching you on piers morgan. shut up about the money. >> what about the basketball owners? they're even richer. sort it out. >> the thing that gets frustrating is when you become public about something, you know, and i have a big mouth. it's hard for me to shut it.
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but i become passionate about something. people say, why don't you pay more taxes? it's not that simple. i'm trying to help the less fortunate, too. you don't pay more taxes. >> warren buffett, yeah, it's all right for him. he could just write a check. but actually he did make a statement. >> write a check to whom? the government? >> the point is he was creating a mood, which is, come on, rich guys in america. there's no real evidence historically that if the very rich pay more tax, it affects their ability to create more jobs. there's no evidence of that. it's a myth. you're making lots of money. you're employing lots of people. there is a way to get through this. what do you think of barack obama today? he said america has got a bit soft in its production. it's not working as hard collectively as it used to. and as a result the far east is catching up and taking over. i agree with it.
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>> there's no upside to having people uneducated or having people out of work or having people on the streets and being homeless. there's no upside to that. the whole idea is to build your community. to have a community that that has strength. that has funding. that you have to -- when you are more fortunate, your responsibility is to help less fortunate. there's no shortcut or way around that. if there is, in your mind, then you're not playing with a full deck of cards and you're not a human being. that's the way it's supposed to be. you're supposed to build people up with you. if you have a job and make a lot of money, then you give other people jobs. so it's very frustrating when you hear all this government nonsense. you read the same thing over and over with the republicans and the democrats and they can't figure out anything. it's not about the bigger picture of a collective society. it's such partisanship.
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it's nothing more than that. >> since job creation, i want to talk about you about ricky gervais being rehired for the golden globes. >> was he? where have i been? >> do you not watch news? >> no. not after watching this show. really, head & shoulders is for more than dandruff? yeah, it does seven great things like giving me a healthy scalp and great looking hair. you should make that eight things. dude, why don't you just use the stuff? [ male announcer ] head & shoulders: seven benefits. every bottle. this is not how witness protection works! when we set you up with that little hardware store we didn't intend for your face to be everywhere. but fedex office makes it so easy. not only do they ship stuff, they print flyers, brochures --
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everything i need to get my name out there. that's the problem. now we need to give you a third identity. you're paul matheson. and you're gonna run your business into the ground. erik gustafson would never do that! there is no erik gustafson. hey that's erik gustafson!!! there is no erik gustafson!!!!! [ male announcer ] small business solutions. fedex. solutions that matter. i've tried it. [ male announcer ] small business solutions. but nothing's helped me beat my back pain. then i tried this. it's salonpas. this is the relief i've been looking for. salonpas has 2 powerful pain fighting ingredients that work for up to 12 hours. and my pharmacist told me it's the only otc pain patch approved for sale using the same rigorous clinical testing that's required for prescription pain medications. proven. powerful. safe. salonpas. and started earning loads of points. you got a weather balloon with points? yes, i did. [ man ] points i could use for just about anything.
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♪ keep on going in this direction. take this bridge over here. there it is. [ man ] so i used mine to get a whole new perspective. ♪ [ male announcer ] write your story with the citi thankyou premier card, with no point caps, and points that don't expire. get started at thankyoucard.citi.com. breaking news. a new accuser stepping forward alleging penn state assistant coach jerry sandusky raped him in the 1990s. we'll speak with his lawyer who says he's been contacted by more than ten new alleged victims. but not mentioned in the grand jury report. you'll also hear the lawyer in his own words. what he says is a pattern of abuse stretching for decades. leaving a trail of young victims all suffering in sims until now. those stories and tonight's ridiculous.
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>> i am here to tell that you i'm madly in love. and i am madly in love with the one and only chelsea handler. it is really hard not to admire a dynamic, brash and ridiculously hilarious woman and she is drunk half the time. >> piers: that was your good friend, jennifer aniston, the glamour awards, you got an award recently. i want to get jennifer on the
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show, she is resisting biz zardly my advances and charms. >> is she? >> piers: why don't you come on with her? >> it wouldn't make any sense. i will talk to her, i will ask her for you definitely. i will tell her how much i like u >> piers: don't you think? you were staying in the break under different circumstances, aid go for me? >> well, that's one version of what happened. >> piers: but rather oddly -- >> i said if you were single, i said you were -- i said you were cute in a very english chubby way. i said that you were cute. >> piers: and this isn't english chub fwhirks is a proper face. not surgely dissasered by the american process. >> absolutely. >> piers: this is real flesh. proper human being. >> obvious think is not fake. who would add that on? it is real. no. but i like you because you have a really good sense of humor that is what i was going to say and i like it in a man. i mean, you can have a good laugh and that's fun. >> piers: thank you, chelsea. talking brit is a good sense of humor, ricky gervais taking over the globes.
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you didn't know this? >> when did that happen? >> piers: despite last year. >> he was the best host he ever had. >> piers: is hollywood beginning to understand that kind of humor? >> i hope so i really hope so. >> piers: there was a chronic sense of humor failure last year. i thought it was hysterical? >> was it last year? it was two years ago? >> piers: add go at it, rev it is up, gets ever more outrageous you can the whole thing is about balloon pricking, stop taking yourself too seriously, isn't it? >> i believe it s i don't think anyone should take themselves too seriously unless, you know -- you know, i think there is a fine line, the oscars. ricky gervais is hilarious, i don't think anybody can say he suspect. it tom cruise is offended, then good. really? is that what we're worried about? >> piers: i hope there are more cutaways to all their face, i had ricky on the show after globes last year, he was brilliant. when i played back the stuff to him, he never laughed at the
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punchline. he only laughed when they cut to the faces of the horrified victims. that's what turned him on. which i found hilarious. >> as a comedian, i think you're not ever really -- as narcissist as it is to be on stage with a microphone and no one else standing there, it is also -- it is kind of one of the most, you know, not generous act, that is not the right word, but the reaction you get from other people is so much more important than what you're hearing yourself same as a comedian, i can appreciate that. because you really just want the reaction and that's always kind of golden. >> piers: come back and talk to you apparently about your two e shows, i gave you a free plug. >> we don't have to talk about that if you don't want? we don't have to plug "after lately" because it is after thanksgiving. >> piers: i promised on twitter to grill you about your sex life. >> there is no sex life. i'm not having sex now. >> piers: historic.
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>> historic? about who? so who ordered the cereal that can help lower cholesterol and who ordered the yummy cereal? yummy. [ woman ] lower cholesterol. [ man 2 ] yummy. i got that wrong didn't i? [ male announcer ] want great taste and whole grain oats that can help lower cholesterol? honey nut cheerios.
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>> forget about a statement, you're going to make a video. >> why? why? you would never do it. >> that's because i love autistic people who have autism. walk out of the office right now and make that video. walk out of the office.
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i don't want to see you >> if you don't, i'm going to give you the hpv vaccine. >> that's for women, i thought. >> exactly. >> thank you for loving people who have children with autism. >> you're welcome. >> unfortunately, a very, very funny clip from your other show, returns on november 27th. "after later." you are funny. i wish you weren't. would make it easier. >> my show, "after lately," so excited about this show, so funny, i love ty are you repeating what i said? >> because i'm speaking now. this has nothing to do with what you said. you are supposed to be listening to me. are you a listener? >> piers: shameless plugs. >> i'm not shamelessly plugging something, i haven't mentioned my tv show once. this is what i want to plug, my pet baby project. pet baby project. don't off baby on the bay? >> piers: yes. i protect my own privacy unlike american celebrities. >> so great at protecting
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american privacy. >> piers: privacy. >> i'm a little delirious now. >> piers: we have a minute and a half what do you want to get off your chest, other than that rather strange red rash. >> i know. i don't know what that is. i don't have -- >> piers: how do you want this interview to be remembered? >> first of all, off new show every day just like i do so no one is going to remember this. >> piers: i think they l this is one like one of the moments. like nixon/. >> like nixon/frost? >> piers: the celeb version. >> we have a good time together. >> piers: we do i will come on your show next. help your ratings. >> oh, thank you. thank you so much. thank you. i will make sure to let everyone know so they can tune in for that night. you are right in my age bracket, right in my testimony moment >> piers: why did you call me chubb business everyone is bagging on about? >> a chubby face. >> piers: i don't have a chubby face. >> what would you call it? >> piers: well rounded, well fed we would say in england. >> or call it athletic. >> piers: nothing wrong with

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